New Year’s Resolutions For Alaska Politicos

Since this is the first day back at work for many of you, I thought we’d kick off 2017 with some New Year’s resolutions we imagine some elected officials, institutions, and politicos might — or should — have considered.

Enjoy.

Alaska State Legislature: We collectively resolve to NEVER negotiate an office lease ever again.

Alaska Voters: We resolve to admit the “Rainy Day” has come, and vote accordingly. Nah, just kidding — party on, Wayne!

Governor Bill Walker: I resolve to find a way to work with lawmakers better.

Lt. Governor Byron Mallott: I resolve to continue ignoring problems at the Alaska Division of Elections.

Sen. Lisa Murkowski, Sen. Dan Sullivan, Rep. Don Young: We resolve to get something done for Alaska. With a GOP-controlled House, Senate, and White House, there are no more excuses.

Speaker-elect Bryce Edgmon: I resolve to pretend I’m in charge. I said “pretend,” Gabby.

House Minority Leader Rep. Charisse Millett: I resolve to take my responsibilities as a leader seriously, because this year I’m in charge, BABY! Wait, I’m only in charge of the minority? Is that even a thing?

Anchorage Mayor Ethan Berkowitz: Safe, Secure, Strong: I resolve to make Anchorage at least one of these before running for re-election.

Outgoing Rep. Lynn Gattis: Since my constituents retired me, I resolve to call for myself to get out of the state.

Governor Walker’s Legislative Director Darwin Peterson: I resolve to keep my job. Seriously everyone, I’m keeping my job. I’M KEEPING MY JOB, DAMN IT!

Rep. Gabrielle LeDoux: I resolve not to kill and eat Lance Pruitt. Well, at least to try not to, but no promises.

Rep. Lance Pruitt: I resolve to make “Finance Leader” an actual thing. And to avoid being killed and eaten by Gabby.

Sen. Bert Stedman: I resolve to kill all the sea otters. Rats of the sea!

Sen. Pete Kelly: I resolve to make sure the media knows it’s their job to report only stories I like and publicly melt down every single time they don’t.

Sen. Tom Begich: I resolve to pretend I’m the one they’re thinking about when people hear “Senator Begich.”

Rep. Les Gara: I resolve to maintain a dignified, steely smile every time Chris Tuck speaks in a caucus meeting.

Sen. Mike Dunleavy: I resolve to change my name to “Mike Dunleavchowski” and introduce an “Ayn Rand’s fans of universal basic income” bill.

Rep. Mike Chenault: I resolve to enjoy this legislative session, ‘cause being in the minority means I got 99 problems but responsibility for fixing the state’s fiscal problems ain’t one (anymore).

Sen. Bill Wielechowski: I resolve to protect the PFD… protect the PFD… Governor Wielechowski… protect the PFD… oil companies don’t pay their fair share… Governor Bill Wielechowski… protect the PFD… Wait, what were we talking about?

Sen. Cathy Giessel: I resolve to take it easy now that I get a full four years before my next election. I might sleep in until 5 a.m. and leave work by midnight. World, say hello to relaxed Cathy.

Anchorage Assemblyman Patrick Flynn: I resolve to get Colin Kaepernick’s autograph.

Former Governor Sean Parnell: I resolve to go to church all year and pretend I didn’t cast an electoral vote for a guy who bragged about “grabbing women by the p#$$^.

Rep-elect Jennifer Johnston: I resolve to get Ross Bieling added to the terrorist watch list.

Former Anchorage Mayor Dan Sullivan: I resolve to stop getting into fights in the comment sections of local media outlets. I was the Mayor, damn it, I have some dignity!

Former Senator Mark Begich: I resolve to stop listening to so much local conservative talk radio, and if I can’t, to admit I have a problem, surrender to a higher power, and seek professional help.

Rep-elect David Eastman: I resolve to stay in human simulation mode. They suspect nothing.

Andrew Halcro: See Eastman unit’s resolution.

Rep. Scott Kawasaki: I resolve to stop dressing like the love child of Donald Trump and Andrew Halcro. This is Alaska, I should dress like it.

Alaska Republican Party Chairman Tuckerman Babcock: I resolve to find or scientifically engineer a species never before seen by man: the rural Alaska Republican. I further resolve to make another species extinct: the moderate Republican.

Incoming Alaska Democratic Party Executive Director Jay Parmley: I resolve to get Democrats elected. Okay, maybe not Democrats, but anything other than Republicans. Now that we’re thinking about it, are we sure we don’t want to support Republicans? It would be WAAAY easier.

Anchorage Assemblyman Eric Croft: I resolve to register no more than 1,000,000 steps on my Fitbit during Assembly meetings this year.

Sen. Bill Wielechowski and Sen. Peter Micciche: We resolve to have a weekly lunch date, just for us.

Rep-elect Jason Grenn: I resolve to be BATMAN! Isn’t that how this works? No? Sorry, I’m new here. I resolve to learn how things work before doing anything important like chairing budget subcommittees.

Anchorage Assemblywoman Amy Demboski: I resolve to keep it 100 this year. That probably ain’t good for anyone, but I’m not gonna stop now.

Anchorage Assemblywoman Elvi Grey-Jackson: I resolve to stop crying at Assembly meetings.

Anchorage Assemblyman Bill Evans: I don’t resolve anything. I’m out. Peace, suckas!

Anchorage Assemblyman-child Forrest Dunbar: I resolve to teach everyone how awesome I am. Who am I kidding, they know…

Budget Diva Brad Keithley: I resolve to make sure every Alaskan knows all thoughts on the state budget except for mine are evil socialist plots to rape the freedoms and murder the dreams of Alaskans. Jay Hammond said so.

Jim Lottsfeldt: I resolve to get Casey Reynolds to shut the hell up from time to time.

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